What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 17:34
But ive been too sick for many years..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was 9 years of age.
How do you know how physically attractive you actually are?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why do narcissists avoid talking about the real issues?
She was in good health!
I don,t even have a pension.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I said to her
I waited trembling.
I've never read the book. What did Dorian Grey do that was so immoral and sinful?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But, we were locked up after school.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I couldn’t, believe it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
All the time i was locked up.
So, i spoilt her more .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Was to survive, this bastard.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
At what stage in your life did you realize, "No, I can't do this any more" and walk out? Why?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My life is so biszare .
My family never makes their pension either.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She loved him until the end.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Ive learnt so much.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Put me off passion for life!!
We were not on the streets..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I think the readers, may guess!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So whats the point in blame.
When she asked me how she looked .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Would this be the day?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
(And it was in our own minds.)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She wouldn,t have been !
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im still living with it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why did i forgive my father ?
What did i know ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I have no regrets .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And i lived it daily.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
This is soul school!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was very sick at this time too.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I write beautiful poetry .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was seconnd youngest,
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Comes on , in middle age.
He knew the spot.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was scared of men, in general
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She found it foreign!.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She married twice! .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I will be 64.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It was going to be , some day.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But it wasn’t much.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We all went to grammer schools
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Who then, do I blame.?
One cannot live in the past .